“Who’s the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?”
-—Obi-Wan Kenobi
We all need a solid fool mentor in our lives. A mentor is someone who will hear what you are saying, see what you are doing, know what you are trying to achieve, and provide valuable guidance. Luke had a tall desert hermit in a flowing robe to help him out. Obi-Wan Kenobi had a small green alien in similarly flowing robes to help him. Darth Vader had the Emperor (thanks @gphotos). In the real world, Plato had Socrates (thanks to @laniamh). I daresay that nearly every person in history or fiction who has achieved greatness had a mentor, coach, or teacher.
So lets mix up the order of things here. I’ll assume you want a mentor, have probably thought about it, but have no idea where to start in getting one. Lets take a look at the process, then why you should do it:
How To Find Your Obi Wan
Face it. You’re not the son or daughter of the greatest force of evil that this galaxy has ever seen. All this means is that there isn’t some crazy old hermit in the desert waiting to train you to take that evil down as a way to make amends with the universe.
Good news is, there is going to be someone out there ready to help you take on the world. That mentor can help you give your all. They will remind you that there ain’t no such thing as a free lunch, and that if you want it, you will have to work for it.
So if you can’t go to the desert to find your Obi-Wan, where can you go? What are the quick steps to landing a mentor? Lets look at a good process for how to find a life coach that could help you:
- Tell the universe you’re looking for a coach. I know this is atypical, but setting your intention is the only way to start. I had thought about finding a coach for months, but it wasn’t until I set the intention that I found one (on the same day I set the intention too).
- Know what you’re looking for. Wait, shouldn’t this be first? Not unless you are already where you want to be and are just looking for help going from great to stellar. Chances are that a great coach can help you, and you have to attract them into your life before you can be picky. What type of coach ARE you looking for? Relationships, goals, financial, psychological, fitness? Figure it out so you can focus your research. Only pick one – chances are that one coach will rock your world. Having two would spread you too thin.
- Fire up Google [or search engine of your choice]. I didn’t use Google to find a coach, but that is where I started. I used StumbleUpon to fortuitously find a coach and change my life. There are MILLIONS of coaches out there; at least it seems like it when you try and find one. Any search tool has the potential to hook you up with who you need to be meeting. Do some research on the type of coaches out there. If someone in your life has a coach already, ask them questions.
- Make a list. Make sure that list has contact info for everyone that interests you or you feel would be able to help you. DO NOT cross out coaches that you feel are out of your budget. More on this later.
- Cross out everyone you didn’t feel was authentic in their pitch. Seriously. If they’re not being real in their sales pitch, how are they going to help you get real and get great in your own life?
- Contact them. Each coach might have a preferred way to contact them. Respect that and reach out to at least a few of the ones left on your list every day. If you do not follow their instructions or respect their methods, chances are they won’t respect you. These people are busy changing the world one person at a time. Be courteous.
- Interview them about their methods. I like to be pushed and challenged – it gets me going. That is not for everyone. You have to know how you learn. Take time to ask the coaches that respond (or even in your initial contact) what their process is like for coaching.
- Choose a coach. This is an important step. Remember that just because you choose them, does not mean that they choose you. This is an extremely important form of relationship to begin, and they have first hand experience with how much time such relationships can take. If you are concerned about the cost of a life coach, look deeply at the skills you have and propose an exchange or a barter. Web designer? Pimp out their site. Videographer? Help them with some videos for their web presence. Marketer? Consult on their marketing materials and strategies. You’ve got skills to offer.
- Start the training. Be open to the wisdom and experience of your coach. DO NOT abandon your own internal wisdom and self awareness. You have to know you in order to have someone coach you. If something doesn’t feel right in the coaching process, speak up immediately. If the coach doesn’t respect your boundaries and isn’t flexible in coaching YOU, find a new coach. They are here to help you and lift you up – they are not your parent.
Woo! You have now been armed with some skills on how to find a mentor. Now, what the heck is a mentor, really?
What is a mentor?
We established right off that mentors can be found wearing long, flowing robes. I misrepresented them a bit – you’ll actually probably have a hard time finding a coach that wears their robe around you (and wouldn’t you be a bit weirded out if they did?). Mentors are more than what they wear.
In an ideal world, mentors and coaches are those that want to change the lives of others. They have experience and training as coaches, and have also accomplished significant amounts in their own life. Mentors and coaches should have a strong sense of self awareness while being insightful and observant.
I prefer the mentors I seek out to break the “rule” that, “those who can’t do, teach.” Those who do it the best often teach others in order to make the world a better place. Keep in mind that this type of mentor is usually at a premium and can be more difficult to secure. You have to earn it.
Remember that a mentor can be anyone, depending on what you are trying to be coached on. The person that could teach you about selflessness and living a life of love, could very well be your eccentric neighbor. It could literally be a teacher that you’ve had in your education. Keep your eyes open, a mentor could be hiding anywhere.
Sometimes you don’t pick your mentor, they pick you. Don’t wait for that to happen though. You might wait too long. This usually happens when you are demonstrating your potential already. Don’t lose an opportunity like this by being lazy.
Story Time – aka Why You Need a Coach
Unless you’ve already got it all figured out (and if you do, you’re not still reading, right?), a coach can help you. A good coach has the ability to see past your bullshit and bring you closer to your truth. They can help you be more fully you. A good coach can motivate you and help you lift yourself up higher than you ever knew possible.
Why am I so passionate about the power of a coach?
Having a coach has changed my life.
Last September, I was going through a breakup – the type where you were together for years and then it all falls apart as life changes around you. I had begun a coaching relationship with Jayson Gaddis (on Twitter @jaygaddis) of Revolutionary Man two weeks before the hammer fell on my life. I believe that the presence of a powerful coach in my life was the biggest influence in the radical shift in me that has occurred since then.
How did a coach help with the emotional trauma? He didn’t let me off the hook just because shit was tough. He called me out on the judgments I was making. He helped me own my own responsibility in the factors that broke the relationship. He helped me dive deeper into the fears I was operating from. There were stories I told myself about my life, and he pointed them out for what they were: limiting beliefs. He helped me get clear on what I wanted in my life. That experience with a coach has helped me step up in life and start chasing my dreams even more.
Where am I now?
That is the important part of coaching right? Where has this relationship led me? What are the concrete results? I’ll summarize:
I am now actively giving of myself in an effort to affect the world through this blog and a few other avenues.
I am involved in a romantic relationship with an incredible woman that continues to grow deeper every day, becomes more fulfilling every week, and challenges me to be more fully myself than I ever have been. This has transformed my life.
I am part of a tribe of water brothers that raise the bar in terms of authenticity, love, masculinity and courage.
I am making art again.
I have stepped into my light and am facing the world with a powerful, open heart.
That isn’t all from the coaching. That is all from within me.
The power of finding and working with a coach in your life is that they help you unlock your inner potential. If you don’t have a coach in your life, how are you holding yourself back? How could a coach open your heart and expand the potential in your life?
Did you enjoy this post?
Then subscribe via RSS or get updates by Email and share it with someone you know!
Please help spread the word.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree, having a coach can be truly helpful, but really good coaches are very hard to find.
For now, my alter ego(seriously)plays the role of my coach – I constantly ask myself what I must do, and my subconscious comes up with AMAzing answers – to tell it with the words of master Yoda here: Silent you must be and listen you must to yourself
I agree with this article. People might read this thinking that it is stating something either obvious or unnecessary, but you really do need to seek out a constructive mentor.
I've always had excellent mentors in work and in life. I think that you always should have one, and it really doesn't have to be the same one the whole way through your life. I've had several work ones and have been blessed with amazing friends who have in more than one instance made it their business to mentor me.
Know your own mind though… advice can be another form of nostalgia. The article above says this too – make up your own mind!
I definitely agree with having mentors for different parts of your life. Your work mentor might not have the best personal advice, but could make you a star professionally. Perhaps though, the best mentors are great all around people and would be able to at least be helpful in all areas while focusing on one. It just depends who you are able to connect with and what you are looking for.
The idea behind a mentor that is well integrated themselves and able to help across multiple areas is that when you experience pain or discomfort in one area of life, you usually have symptoms of that issue all across your life. Someone to point that out is incredibly helpful.
Awesome Post Jonathan! I hope this serves other men. Jayson has had a huge impact on my life as well. I'm glad to be taking this journey with you and feel your strength.
Aho!
Thanks Tom! I hope it serves others as well. Thank you for being such a strong presence on this journey.
coach and mentor are completely separate distinctions… a coach has a vested interest in reaching an outcome whereas a mentor is a guide… why is this headed for mentor then contented as coach? Leaves me discontented.
That is a great point – one I hadn't had an awareness of while I was writing this post. I certainly agree that a coach and a mentor are different things. I feel that to a certain extent, they have overlapping roles though.
I don't necessarily know that coaches have “vested interests” though – yes, in the sense of teams, etc, there is a vested interest in seeing your team win. But in the sense of life coach, I don't feel that it is as vested. You want your client to succeed, but generally the only outcome for you is a warm fuzzy and a paycheck.
Could you maybe explain what you mean by “vested interest” more, and how that might work in the context of a coach?
vested interest, as in a coach has an investment in the coachee succeeding, either financially or reputatedly (if that be a word) to produce a result. In some examples (ie life coaching), it can be to demonstrate that the technology applied has value, or is valuABLE and therefore can be onsold. Coaches have a position and intention to cause a specific measurable result and are often sourced FOR a team/individual. That's where I'm coming from with 'vested interest', coaches have a specific role and are hired for to teach a specific skillset.
A mentor on the other hand can be reluctant to guide, and can sometimes unknowingly guide a pathway for an individual/team, causing a following without intention as a result of successful accomplishments.
This is my own interpretation, I've had life coaches, been a life coach and coached life coaches… then sought a mentor to get out of coaching mode… she kindly declined my request.
Mentoring plays a different role, one of a philosophical, questioning and inquisitive context without specific measurable results, it's more about the journey.
Thanks for the clarity! I see where you're coming from in regards to the whole coaching vs mentor much better now. Maybe a rewrite in the future
I love finding out where I can learn more.
I feel like the whole coach vs mentor separation is much more selfless in terms of the mentor. I also would have to say that just because your paid doesn't disqualify you as a mentor. It seems to me that mentors are equally deserving of compensation for their (also valuable) contributions.
absolutely… Ghandi’s contribution to the planet is a classic example – he acted as mentor for many people and was equally as deserving of compensation…. which he duly asked for, with an unusual interest rate – one that is still compounding.
absolutely… Ghandi's contribution to the planet is a classic example – he acted as mentor for many people and was equally as deserving of compensation…. which he duly asked for, with an unusual interest rate – one that is still compounding.