The Pain of Should

How about a new definition for the word, “should”? A should is the proverbial straw that breaks your back.

The weight of a should binds you and restrains you. It keeps you from embracing our own truth and from being fully you. Every new should that you add to your life is a gossamer thread of bondage holding you back from loving and cherishing who you are.

A should is every social “norm” that you’ve bought into. A should is the rules that you let your religion place on you. A should is the raised eyebrow from a teacher when you get caught sketching on your paper instead of graphing quadratic equations. You should be this, you should do that, you should, you should, and for added variety: you should not.

A should is so effective because it is so simple. A should is the formula we’re told to follow in life: Go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a good job, get married, buy a house, have kids and teach them to do the same thing. Maybe that formula works for you and inspires you – but is that your authentic nature, or is it the “should” you were given?

Authenticity is the fruition of self-awareness. Being fully self-aware allows you to feel more alive. Even if you are not aware of the impact a should is having in your life, your authenticity may be crippled. It is so easy to substitute your shoulds for your true self.

I have to confess that I’m really good at integrating shoulds into my awareness. I spent a good portion of my life seeking the approval of others. I would let their disapproving shoulds become my goals. Do you know where that leads? It leads to breaking under the pressure of shoulds.

The Shoulds That Broke Me

I am a practicing Roman Catholic. If talking about faith or spirituality makes you queasy, skip the story. I’ll let you know when to start reading again.

Since I’ve moved to Kansas City in July of 2009, I have been going to Mass regularly. The week before Easter is Holy Week – the most important time of the year in the Church. There are extra Masses to go to, and I’ve been going.

I have had no problem with the Church or the obligatory Masses.

I have had a problem with my experience the Mass recently. Call it a dark night of the soul, call it a crisis of faith, call it whatever you’d like. I have struggled with not feeling connected at Mass. I came home from the Good Friday service feeling edgy and contracted. Why had that service been different?

I love the Mass. My experience of it is as one of the most beautiful traditions man has ever created. It is ripe with spirituality. I hated feeling disconnected from that, and the worst part was that I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t get my head into what was going on around me.

I have been exploring the other beautiful spiritualities of the world and have felt connections to the truths in many of them. At times, I was connecting with them more strongly than I was connecting to the truths at Mass. I started judging myself for that, feeling guilty and falling back into the shoulds I had: “You should believe xyz,” “To be a good Catholic you should xyz,” or even passing judgment on others as a way to escape my own pain.

Being disconnected felt like being an outcast, a facade, and a coward. It was pain and it sucked. When I started to explore my edge, I broke down as I began to realize how inauthentic I had been.

Why was I disconnected?

I realized that I was letting religion pile up should upon should on top of me while I abandoned my own truth. Every “rule” felt like an extra burden. I started living a faith life of shoulds. I collapsed, because not being myself was torture.

If you skipped over the story, start reading again.

What was my answer?

Trust in myself.

That doesn’t mean give up faith, it means trusting in my own truth and being completely responsible for my choices. There is room for my own truth and truth found in spirituality. It means consciously choosing the shoulds in my life.

Shoulds Are Easy

Not trusting myself has been a pattern for me. I see it as a pattern that many adopt subconsciously. We want someone to give us permission, someone to tell us it will be OK, and someone to make the hard decisions for us. We want the hard moments in life to be easy.

Shoulds are premade decisions. You can look at the shoulds you have whenever you are challenged and “know” what the right answer is.

Or you can shed the shoulds, authentically engage the issue and act from a place of truth.

Drinking the Should KoolAid

At first I thought there were different types of shoulds: the ones that you put on yourself and the ones that others put on you.

Then I realized that every should that I have painfully upheld are external shoulds that have been internalized. I drank the nasty KoolAid and then tried to share it.

This is perhaps the greatest shame of shoulds – you can (and often do) force shoulds on others. The ones you should the worst are those closest to you. Everyone has the best of intentions (usually), but the pattern of shoulds is just causing more pain in the world. What would happen if we just accepted and loved people for the way they are?

When you should others, you are shutting them down. You close yourself off to the experience of giving love. Shoulding is judging. Have you ever felt judged?

Being judged feels terrible. It can cause you to be defensive, it can cause you pain and it can cause damage to the relationship. Before you send a should in someones direction, ask yourself if you are doing it for your own comfort and security or if you are doing it to help them.

Where Do Shoulds Come From

Typical shoulds are a slow creeping poison. We do infect ourselves when we want to fit into a group. Individuals and organizations infect us to maintain the status quo.

The pain and discomfort mounts as we accept shoulds without evaluating them. If they are not true for you, why would you live according to them?

Because it is easy. People like it when you do that. People like you when you do that.

There is a word for internalizing shoulds: brainwashing. No one ever admits to being brainwashed. Look at the world though: we have all been brainwashed or hoodwinked by the shoulds placed upon us. The kind deliverers of said shoulds? Government, religion, family, teachers, and the old ladies at the grocery store.

Not all of these shoulds are bad. I can think of a few that are pretty solid – you should respect the lives of others, respect the property of others, you should take care of yourself. Great rules to live by.

You can choose your own shoulds and live your life according to them. If you don’t choose them, someone else will.

Choosing your Shoulds

There is good news in all of this. You can let go of the shoulds you have and choose which to live by. Like leeches, shoulds latch on to you for as long as you let them, draining you. Pulling a should off might will cause discomfort or pain at first.

The reward for your choice is feeling less weight on your shoulders, as though a burden has been lifted. Living your truth is challenging, but it will give you strength that you did not know you had.

If you want to figure out most of the shoulds in your life, you have to name them. Get aware.

Grab a journal or text editor and write down all of your shoulds. Write at the top of the page, “I should…” Then answer the prompt. Stop when you run out and come back.

Welcome back. Did you read over the list when you finished? Every should on the list is a rule that you have adopted for your life, whether consciously or unconsciously. These are the ruels taht you live by most of the time. How do you feel about them?

Removing Limiting Shoulds

Remember that list you made and all the rules you are living your life by? Where there any that you felt were not serving you?

Perhaps when you read a certain should (or many), you felt hollow around that should. Maybe you felt some pain or dis-ease around it?

Look at how the should impacts your life. In the example of my inauthenticity around faith and spirituality, I was giving up my own power. I was letting some other person or group make choices for my life. Is that bad? Not necessarily, but it wasn’t what felt real for me.

What feels real for you? Is it possible that you could substitute what feels real for the should in your life? The answer is probably yes, the question is really “Would you substitute …”? That is up to you. You have the power to choose how you live your life. Choose your own shoulds consciously and with the greatest self awareness you can muster.

If you do choose to remove the shoulds that are inauthentic for you, there is a cost. Chances are you will feel joy, lightness, and peace around your choice, but those around you may not. Any change in you is a change to the world they live in, and you must be ready to face their reaction without sacrificing your growth.

If you are ready to acknowledge the shoulds in your life, and shed the burden of them…

All you have to do is give yourself the permission you already know you have.

How will you do that?

Tagged as: Awareness, grok, Grokkery, love, personal develompent, self awareness, self improvement, should